Friend issues - what should I do?

[Ginger Harp Seal Pup]

I'm sad and confused. A couple of weeks ago one of my online friends and I were having a really good conversation. I felt I was getting closer and closer to him and I then started to really value his company. He's intelligent, caring, plus he's the same age as me and I thought it made it easier. I went to bed that night feeling content and happy and just...well, I just felt good. The next morning, I receive a PM. It was from my friend and the title was this:

Sometimes to fly...

I thought, ooh, he wrote a poem for me, great! I opened the PM and the rest of the sentence read:

...the bird just has to be pushed out of its nest.

I read the rest of it and literally burst into tears. I'm not very good at explaining things so I'm just going to post snippets of what he's said.

"You've come to depend on me too much. As I told you earlier tonight, you've centered yourself on me, and you've made me your crutch in emotional and psychological ways. I've tried to encourage you to change this, but nothing I've said or done has worked."

I am not emotionally dependant on him. He doesn't know how my mind works.

"I don't want to do this to you, but I've been left with no other choice. I've reviewed my options, and this is the best course."

Reviewed his options? Upon looking at the time he sent the PM, he wrote it just an hour or so after we had that conversation. He didn't have time to review his options. He should have just told me straight out when we having the conversation if he had been 'reviewing his options'. No, I'm thinking this is something more sinister.

"So just what am I doing?

I'm going to stop talking to you.

No PMs. No IMs. No personal conversation or interaction or anything. I will block your SN on AIM, and any others you try to IM me with. I will not respond to any of your PMs, and I may not even read them."

Good way to treat a friend you've known for years...that really made me feel happy and worth while.

"You're a friend, Ginger, and I won't see you screw up your life in this way. So I'm taking this tough approach."

What? A friend? I'm no friend of yours if you're treating me like this.

I kept sending him messages day after day and finally he responded again. I was hoping I had done enough to make him reconsider. But no. He didn't.

He said I wasn't well in my head. How the heck does he know? Last I heard, he hadn't taken a psychology course. He doesn't know anything about how the mind works. He just expects everyone to bow down to him and do as he says, and he expects me to just accept this.

I don't know what to do. Help?

[Paul]

The way I see it, Ginger, and believe me; I do have fair understanding of people's intentions: he is trying to do what is in your best interest, esp. in the long run.

Depending on people (are you, really? I don't know.) is rarely good for both people, and if he believes you are, depending on him that is, he does have a right to cut off contact if he believes that to be the right way to go.

Or you know.. He's got it all wrong and misjudged the situation completely, and cut off contact wrongly.. Well boo on him, Ginger, you're better than that.

[Bangel]

The way I see it, Ginger, and believe me; I do have fair understanding of people's intentions: he is trying to do what is in your best interest, esp. in the long run.

I agree... you or others may not see it as right, but I think he honestly did what he thought was right for you. I don't see it as selfish at all. Again, others may interpret it differently, but I still see it as he cares for you and is trying to do the right thing, whether he thinks the both of you will like it or not.

[Ginger Harp Seal Pup]

Or you know.. He's got it all wrong and misjudged the situation completely, and cut off contact wrongly.. Well boo on him, Ginger, you're better than that.

He has. Totally...

[ryan.riverside]

I think that this fellow is wrong. Even if one thinks that one is serving as an emotional crutch for another, it is no count for severing contact completely. One could still stay in contact without being an emotional crutch. The thought that only the two extremes are acceptable is absurd. You rock, Ginger. Don't let anyone ever tell you different. Sure, he may have felt that it was best for you, but people are often wrong. He may have got into a relationship with someone in Real Life, and that person wanted him to sever contact with you in order to maintain his RL relationship. That could have happened in an hour. I don't know what happened, but just know that you aren't messed up in the head. Don't ever take crap from someone who wants to manipulate your life. They do not have the right to, because it's your life to live. He isn't your mother bird, to shove you out of the nest. He should take a flying leap. Think of it this way, Ginger: we all love you here!

[Asthaloth]

Sometimes people do what they feel is best, while you may not have intended that (Emotional crutch etc) It may seem that way to him.
And belive me, I know how it feels, I fell into a deep-seated depression over a similar matter recently.

[Ginger Harp Seal Pup]

Well, guess what? I've now been banned from that forum because apparently I was harrassing him.

[Shoyru_Lover]

My first reaction when I read this post was that he's a smurf and you don't need a dude like him. Friends don't do stuff like that to each other - they're there because they like you as a person, not to take on an instructors role of how to "teach you how to become better" (although that's what usually happens inadvertently in the positive sense in friendships anyway).

[DiscordantNote]

Well, guess what? I've now been banned from that forum because apparently I was harrassing him.

PM the admin/moderator and explain exactly what happened. Even link here if you want to...it'll show not only the situation (though you may want to go slightly more in-depth with them) and that you're a perfectly good forum member who wouldn't bother anyone. It's he who should be banned...you weren't harrassing him, he just wanted you out. People who send false reports usually see the wrong end of the frying pan.

Speaking of that twerp, it sounds to me like he just wanted an excuse to sever ties with you and exaggerated/twisted around something he may have seen in your relationship with him to do it. Or, he could be a complete idiot when it comes to love. Either way, you're better than him and you know it. Don't let what he does hurt you. Besides, being in love is sometimes rough like that.

[Kitten Medli]

I'm wondering if DiscordantNote isn't right, after the whole harassment deal. Maybe he thinks he is doing whats right, but I think that if you even WERE leaning on him emotionally and didn't know, he never gave you a chance to change it. Besides, thats what friends are for. Support, comfort and love... if you weren't leaning on him exessively, I dunno what the deal is. But if hes going to be that way I don't see much you can do. Shame on him if hes not doing what he believes is best. People can't change if they don't know what they are doing is wrong (if you even did anything wrong) so I kind of feel hes in the wrong here, even if there was a misunderstanding.

[werepup]

Hey Ginger - chin up.

If this guys is doing this either to hurt u or help you, I think you need to ignore him anyway and get a new loads of new mates online.

Perhaps if he was trying to help you, he could have figured out a more tackful way of helping you.

Either way - I think you're better off coming in here to let off steam or whatever, without him anywhere near you.

[Twinkle]

The way I see it, Ginger, and believe me; I do have fair understanding of people's intentions: he is trying to do what is in your best interest, esp. in the long run.

Depending on people (are you, really? I don't know.) is rarely good for both people, and if he believes you are, depending on him that is, he does have a right to cut off contact if he believes that to be the right way to go.

Or you know.. He's got it all wrong and misjudged the situation completely, and cut off contact wrongly.. Well boo on him, Ginger, you're better than that.

I agree with everything that Paul says here.

Ginger, can I just say, it's really nice to see you feeling better lately, you've not been half as depressed as you were before (unless I'm reading things wrong!) and that's been really great to see. Don't ever let anyone else bring you down because in the end, you are what is important.

[ryan.riverside]

Don't ever let anyone else bring you down because in the end, you are what is important.

I agree with that! What's that song? I think it's by Christina Aguilera, but it says, "You're beautiful, in every single way. Words can't bring you down..." and so on. You should listen to that song a few times. It may be faux now, but it still carries a good message.

[_jade_em_]

If this guy is really making you feel so distressed, then you should just try to forget about him. Go make some new friends, talk to them instead.

[Shoyru_Lover]

Don't ever let anyone else bring you down because in the end, you are what is important.

I agree with that! What's that song? I think it's by Christina Aguilera, but it says, "You're beautiful, in every single way. Words can't bring you down..." and so on. You should listen to that song a few times. It may be faux now, but it still carries a good message.

Or you can use something more profound - such as the words by Elonor Rosevelt - "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission".

Note that "your permission". He isn't making YOU feel sad. YOU ARE letting him make you feel sad.