My Uncle Just Died.
Thu Sep 06, 2007 11:39 pm
My uncle Paul had lung cancer last year, and they thought it was all gone, but several tiny tumors in his brain were discovered, and he was diagnosed with brain cancer. Though incurable, he managed to walk his youngest daughter down the aisle, and dance the father-daughter slow dance at her wedding in July. Though he was on chemo, the cancer spread to his liver, and he was hospitalized.
He passed away a little over 30 minutes ago.
He passed away a little over 30 minutes ago.
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Fri Sep 07, 2007 2:21 am
I'm sorry for your loss.
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Fri Sep 07, 2007 3:33 am
I'm so sorry. I'm happy that he at least got to see his daughter married, but nothing really takes away the pain of losing someone you care about. My condolences to you and your family.
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Fri Sep 07, 2007 4:21 pm
I am incredibly sorry for your loss, and I know that losing someone is very hard. *huggles*
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Fri Sep 07, 2007 7:50 pm
*huggles* I'm very sorry for your loss. *huggles again*
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Fri Sep 07, 2007 8:07 pm
I'm sorry to hear that, Jenna. 
My condolences to your family.
If you need me, I'm just a PM away.
My condolences to your family.If you need me, I'm just a PM away.
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Fri Sep 07, 2007 9:16 pm
I'm really sorry to hear it.
All my best to you and yours.
All my best to you and yours.
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Fri Sep 07, 2007 10:15 pm
I am very sorry, Zega. I'll include you and your family in my prayers.
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Sat Sep 08, 2007 12:17 am
I don't know if this will be helpful or not. I learned something called the stages of grief.
I am not sure I agree with it all, because everyone is different. Some people may not go through all the stages.
There are two variations I learned. It may help you to learn which stage you are currently in.
Shock: I feel numb. People are talking. What are they saying? Dead..
I can't get it into my head..why don't I feel anything..This is so sudden..
Disbelief: This is a dream..this is a dream...I will wake up..this isn't happening..it can't be happening..I'll ask someone else...someone else may tell me something different...someone else may know the truth...
Bargaining: If I just do something different, it will change. There has to be something I can do! Maybe I can pray that this never happened! Maybe I can give money to the poor, or give up a bad behavior. I'll do anything to change this! I'll do anything!
Anger: It happened. It isn't a dream. Why did it happen? It isn't fair! Other people deserve this. Why didn't this happen to someone else?
There better be a good reason why this happened. Someone has got some explaining to do! I won't rest until I find out why!
Depression: There is nothing I can do about it. I will never be happy again. I will always feel this way. I will always miss them. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. Why do I go on living? How can I go on living? Why is it that everyone goes about their daily lives now as if this didn't even happen? I can't even focus enough energy to brush my teeth. I don't want to do anything today. I don't want to watch tv. I don't want to go to the movies. I don't want to listen to music. I can't enjoy any of this anymore. I can't enjoy anything. Nothing brings me joy.
Acceptance:
Acceptance is the most misunderstood part of all the stages of grief. Accepting it doesn't mean you simply forget it happened or you just simply "get over it" or that you have a "whatever" kind of attitude about about. No one expects you to say "I'll just skip to the last step then, since that is where I should end up. Ok, I accept it."
The thing is, you must allow yourself to feel everything before you can accept it. Acceptance may come and go. You may have mere moment of acceptance and then it is gone in a flash. Or you may feel acceptance for longer periods, but something triggers old memories.
Then you have to start over..
You may actually feel guilt if you come to accept a death or if you do not cry or mourn from time to time. It is ok to cry, if you feel like it. You don't have to do it.
Accepting it doesn't mean that you wouldn't have liked to change the situation either. Accepting it just means you understand that you do have a life outside the event, that your life will not be the same, but that it is ok to find something enjoyable about your life.
You may feel like the world is standing still at first. Or that it should stand still. For a while time may not matter to you, or it may seem to drag. Or it may seem to speed along. It will feel strange when this happens. You may not understand how the world can seem to go on as if this never happened.
Acceptance means you realize that the person did matter. They mattered very much to some people. To other people, they mattered less, and some people could care less. The world does go on, in spite of what happened. It doesn't mean the person didn't matter.
It is ok to enjoy the same things you once enjoyed. You do not have to deny yourself anything. You can begin to enjoy the things you once enjoyed on your own terms. If doing something is too painful, you do not have to do it. If listening to an old song you once loved brings you too much pain, you do not have to listen to that song. But you can continue to enjoy music. If going to the park makes you sad, because you can't be there with the deceased, then you do not have to go there, but you may continue to enjoy nature. You should not feel guilt for finding joy in life.
Acceptance is ultimately the ability to allow yourself to live, to have joy. This does not mean you will not have guilt and regret at times, but those feelings should not dictate your life. It is still your life.
There is another set of stages of grief that is similar but written differently it was sort of like
Surviving: You are lucky if you can even get up in the morning. You act on autopilot. You cry all the time. You find it hard to think about anything else.
Struggling: You are struggling, but getting better.
Searching: You begin to search for answers. Search for a way to keep living. You may need to build a whole new identity for yourself. You feel lost. You wonder who you are now.
Settling in You begin to find out who you are now that your loved one is gone. You may not like the new you, but you are starting to settle into the role. It is incomplete. There may be many more changes you must make before you can learn to love the new you.
Setting yourself free: You are a new person now since your life has changed. You have learned to love yourself again. You may miss the old you, the you that you were when your loved one was around, but you realize that you can't be that version of yourself anymore. You realize that you don't have to hate yourself. You can cry when you feel like it, when you feel like, but you don't have to. You find things to do that make you happy and you do those things. You'd give anything if your loved one was with you as you do those things, but you still have fun as you do them. You don't dwell on the negative things. Sometimes you remember them, but you just as often remember the good things. You feel regret from time to time, but you realize you cant change the past. You'd have liked to do it differently, but you can't. Now you try to improve on your present life and relationships. Whatever it is you wish you could have said or done, you still have the opportunity to do those things. Your loved one may not be around to witness it, but that doesn't mean you can't still do it. You may feel guilt from time to time, but it isn't overwhelming you. You've set yourself free to live, to laugh, to love.
I am not sure I agree with it all, because everyone is different. Some people may not go through all the stages.
There are two variations I learned. It may help you to learn which stage you are currently in.
Shock: I feel numb. People are talking. What are they saying? Dead..
I can't get it into my head..why don't I feel anything..This is so sudden..
Disbelief: This is a dream..this is a dream...I will wake up..this isn't happening..it can't be happening..I'll ask someone else...someone else may tell me something different...someone else may know the truth...
Bargaining: If I just do something different, it will change. There has to be something I can do! Maybe I can pray that this never happened! Maybe I can give money to the poor, or give up a bad behavior. I'll do anything to change this! I'll do anything!
Anger: It happened. It isn't a dream. Why did it happen? It isn't fair! Other people deserve this. Why didn't this happen to someone else?
There better be a good reason why this happened. Someone has got some explaining to do! I won't rest until I find out why!
Depression: There is nothing I can do about it. I will never be happy again. I will always feel this way. I will always miss them. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. Why do I go on living? How can I go on living? Why is it that everyone goes about their daily lives now as if this didn't even happen? I can't even focus enough energy to brush my teeth. I don't want to do anything today. I don't want to watch tv. I don't want to go to the movies. I don't want to listen to music. I can't enjoy any of this anymore. I can't enjoy anything. Nothing brings me joy.
Acceptance:
Acceptance is the most misunderstood part of all the stages of grief. Accepting it doesn't mean you simply forget it happened or you just simply "get over it" or that you have a "whatever" kind of attitude about about. No one expects you to say "I'll just skip to the last step then, since that is where I should end up. Ok, I accept it."
The thing is, you must allow yourself to feel everything before you can accept it. Acceptance may come and go. You may have mere moment of acceptance and then it is gone in a flash. Or you may feel acceptance for longer periods, but something triggers old memories.
Then you have to start over..
You may actually feel guilt if you come to accept a death or if you do not cry or mourn from time to time. It is ok to cry, if you feel like it. You don't have to do it.
Accepting it doesn't mean that you wouldn't have liked to change the situation either. Accepting it just means you understand that you do have a life outside the event, that your life will not be the same, but that it is ok to find something enjoyable about your life.
You may feel like the world is standing still at first. Or that it should stand still. For a while time may not matter to you, or it may seem to drag. Or it may seem to speed along. It will feel strange when this happens. You may not understand how the world can seem to go on as if this never happened.
Acceptance means you realize that the person did matter. They mattered very much to some people. To other people, they mattered less, and some people could care less. The world does go on, in spite of what happened. It doesn't mean the person didn't matter.
It is ok to enjoy the same things you once enjoyed. You do not have to deny yourself anything. You can begin to enjoy the things you once enjoyed on your own terms. If doing something is too painful, you do not have to do it. If listening to an old song you once loved brings you too much pain, you do not have to listen to that song. But you can continue to enjoy music. If going to the park makes you sad, because you can't be there with the deceased, then you do not have to go there, but you may continue to enjoy nature. You should not feel guilt for finding joy in life.
Acceptance is ultimately the ability to allow yourself to live, to have joy. This does not mean you will not have guilt and regret at times, but those feelings should not dictate your life. It is still your life.
There is another set of stages of grief that is similar but written differently it was sort of like
Surviving: You are lucky if you can even get up in the morning. You act on autopilot. You cry all the time. You find it hard to think about anything else.
Struggling: You are struggling, but getting better.
Searching: You begin to search for answers. Search for a way to keep living. You may need to build a whole new identity for yourself. You feel lost. You wonder who you are now.
Settling in You begin to find out who you are now that your loved one is gone. You may not like the new you, but you are starting to settle into the role. It is incomplete. There may be many more changes you must make before you can learn to love the new you.
Setting yourself free: You are a new person now since your life has changed. You have learned to love yourself again. You may miss the old you, the you that you were when your loved one was around, but you realize that you can't be that version of yourself anymore. You realize that you don't have to hate yourself. You can cry when you feel like it, when you feel like, but you don't have to. You find things to do that make you happy and you do those things. You'd give anything if your loved one was with you as you do those things, but you still have fun as you do them. You don't dwell on the negative things. Sometimes you remember them, but you just as often remember the good things. You feel regret from time to time, but you realize you cant change the past. You'd have liked to do it differently, but you can't. Now you try to improve on your present life and relationships. Whatever it is you wish you could have said or done, you still have the opportunity to do those things. Your loved one may not be around to witness it, but that doesn't mean you can't still do it. You may feel guilt from time to time, but it isn't overwhelming you. You've set yourself free to live, to laugh, to love.
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Sat Sep 08, 2007 10:59 am
Oh no Zega... I am so sorry for your loss.
Losing a family member or a loved one like a friend is something that we all don't want to go through, but I'm sure you don't need me saying this as you already know.
Thanks for sharing with us and we're always here if you need an ear ok?
Losing a family member or a loved one like a friend is something that we all don't want to go through, but I'm sure you don't need me saying this as you already know.
Thanks for sharing with us and we're always here if you need an ear ok?
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Sat Sep 08, 2007 2:07 pm
Thank you, all of you guys. 
I'm glad you guys are always here for me. I didn't go to school yesterday because well, I really didn't feel like acting normal and everything.
The wake is Sunday night, 7-9, and Monday, 2-4 and 7-9, and then the funeral is on Tuesday.
This is NOT my idea of a good time.
I'm glad you guys are always here for me. I didn't go to school yesterday because well, I really didn't feel like acting normal and everything.
The wake is Sunday night, 7-9, and Monday, 2-4 and 7-9, and then the funeral is on Tuesday.
This is NOT my idea of a good time.
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Sat Sep 08, 2007 2:13 pm
If it helps, I don't believe in good byes. Ever. I believe that there's other things beyond this life here, so for the wake, yes it is a sad affair, btu also see it as a change to celebrate your uncle's life. After all, he spent so many years living it and only a small portion of it in his death. I'm sure he would want to be remembered for his life and not his death.
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Sun Sep 09, 2007 1:00 am
I'm so sorry D: If theres anything I can do for you.. just ask!
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Sun Sep 09, 2007 5:06 am
My heart goes out to you...my grandmother died a few years ago. I still miss her.
I guess what I realized is that there is a time for mourning and such, but then every ending is a new beginning and there is no reason to dawdle in the sadness longer than it should. There are many people who still support you, nonetheless, and you are cared for throughout. I hope you will get through this and may you have a better future soon.
I guess what I realized is that there is a time for mourning and such, but then every ending is a new beginning and there is no reason to dawdle in the sadness longer than it should. There are many people who still support you, nonetheless, and you are cared for throughout. I hope you will get through this and may you have a better future soon.
Re: My Uncle Just Died.
Tue Sep 11, 2007 12:02 am
I'm so sorry for you Zega...I want to say that I can relate (my grandfather died a few years ago, right before Christmas, no less), but it turns out he was my step-grandfather (my dad had never told me because he didn't think I'd understand) and so he and I never knew each other well enough or saw each other enough for me to be truly mortified by his passing away. Anyways, just remember that you're not alone and that you have plenty of friends here, and in the real world (I hope) who are more than happy to help you out!
Here, have a hug!
Here, have a hug!