Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.
Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said " I'm afraid not."
A frog is looking for a loan, so he goes into a bank. He sits down at a desk and the name plate says "Patty Whac". He talks to Patty about the loan and she asks him what he has for collateral. The frog replies well I have this vase. He pulls the vase out of a bag to show her. Patty says "well thats just a cheap knick-knack". Then the owner notices the vase and says to himself "gee that's from the 17th century, it's worth tons of money" So he walks over to patty and says "Thats no knick-knack Patty Whac give the frog a loan".
A skeleton is in a pub. He goes up to the bartender. "A pint of lager and a mop please."
There's a man, let's call him Jimmy. Well, Jimmy was getting really fed up with his wife, Alice. So he goes and hires a hitman called Arty Jimmy pays Artie £1 to choke his wife. "She'll be going into Tesco at 2 PM on the dot. She'll be wearing her big red hat with white feathers."
So the next day, Arty waited outside Tesco. At 2 PM exactly he saw a woman wearing a big red hat with white feathers. Before anyone knew what had happened, he strangled the woman. But then, he saw another woman wearing the same hat! He had no idea how to be sure. He quickly decided to choke her as well. Just then, a passerby had reported him and the police came around the corner to arrest him.
The next day, the newspaper headlines read:
I'm going to stop, now.
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my nonsensical, insane friend who made up half of them.
